Jokes

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'God just shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. “May I help you sir?” she asked. “I want to see Valerie,” the man replied. “Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam. “No, I must see Valerie,” he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked. The man replied, “Cleveland .” “Really?”, she said. “I have family in “Cleveland .” “I know.” the man said.. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the sister, "and I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted the sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the GD putt, didn't you?

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his johnson." After this, the first one looks shamefully at the other two and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me too. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth.""Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

Guy walks out of a completely packed bar, into the parking lot. He's stumbling over his own shoes, swaying this way and that... Totally wasted. He tries his keys in several different car doors before he finally finds his. The cops seeing this are just waiting to pull him over, as soon as he remembers how to drive. Well, the guy is turning on and off his turn signals, the lights, the dome light, hazard lights... everything. Even sets off his own car alarm. All the while, other people are leaving in a much more sober fashion. Soon, the parking lot is half empty and the cops are getting impatient but their waiting pays off. The guy backs up a little, changes his mind and pulls forward, realizes he can't go that way and then backs out of the spot. As soon as his tires touch the road, the cops flick on their lights and pull him over. Going through the normal routine, the cops ask for license and registration and then ask him how many drinks he's had.His reply, "None, I'm just my friends' designated decoy for the evening."